And Again

I just had a huge moment, because we just read our first "child assessment" forms. To be frank, I was in a down cycle again - not sure we're doing the right thing, overwhelmed by the process. Then somewhat out of the blue, our agency sent us these "assessment" forms for some kids we had expressed an initial (and reserved) interest in meeting.

And, whaaaaaaaaaaaah, I'm up again, up so high I'm ready to jump in my car and drive across the county and pick this one kid up RIGHT NOW. Which is totally insane, and I definitely need to calm down. Yeah. I'm not using any names and I don't think it's a violation of privacy to explain in brief that this kid, who is extremely solemn and shy in person, has been in 13 foster homes in 15 years. He wants to go to college and he really really wants to be adopted. And his report says he sometimes struggles with feeling angry, although he has no significant record of misbehavior - a day of skipping school here, a little school fight there.

I understand angry and I feel fine about working with it. I believe anger, within reasonable parameters, is the wind that blows things around so they don't settle into a depression-inducing infection. So that's not freaking me out one little bit. If I'd moved foster homes almost every year of my life, I'd be way past mad. And despite all of the above, this kid (whom I've met and found to be solemn and interesting and self-possessed) gets pretty good grades, excels at sports, and wants to go to UCLA. I hung out with him and he was incredibly mature, even somewhat elderly for his age. Extremely withdrawn - but so obviously in there, you could almost see him thinking.

But what's got me itching to bypass all the process and just adopt him right now is that the report says that he is feeling frustrated because he's ready to be adopted and wonders when there might be a match for him and whether anyone will want him. He's waiting, and that kills me. It really really kills me. It sets off this crazy instinctive thing that I don't even understand, like I want to benchpress buildings or something.

I don't think I've ever felt as emotional about anything as I do about this - I don't think I even thought I was capable of so many feelings. And that probably makes me vulnerable and sets me up for a total rollercoaster. But I just can't help it or stop it.

So here's the immediate problem: we've got a date to take another kid in the program to two events this week. And that kid's assessment form reveals a personality which, though charming in many ways, is not the right fit for us. (We weren't offered the assessment form until after we made the commitment.) I don't know what to do, except I know I'll absolutely make good on our commitment to take this other kid to the events. But my fingers are itching to call the agency right now and tell them we don't just want to host the first kid on weekends - we want to offer him a permanent home. Before school starts this fall. I don't even think that's possible. I can hardly wait until Saturday to see what happens.